Life Update: Why do you feel so down?

We moved back. When she told me we were leaving I thought that was what I wanted, but as the date of our move neared, I realized I was wrong about everything. What did I want to come back to? I didn’t leave behind best friends, just a few good friends, other “friends”couldn’t care less. Can I blame them? I had only met them 6-8 months prior, but we barly knew each other. We definitely didn’t leave behind jobs or a home. Where we moved to isn’t some wonderland either, but I fell in love so that made it a little better. I miss him so much, he was the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. I don’t want to know a future that doesn’t include him. Everything seemed so gray and bleak, but he made me see colors again. The best part of it all, is he’s falling in love with me too.

It seems like every time I say “okay maybe good can come out of this”, my mom moves. I don’t know why she can’t ever be content, I just want her to be grateful for once instead of going “Nope not good enough! If I move it’ll all get better.”, that’s not how the real world works. That’s why we haven’t had a stable home for almost 3 years. She rushes too much, things take a little time. It’ll all come together if you let it. I wish I could make her understand that, I’ve tried so many times.

It’s really an easy fix, especially since she’s amazing at manipulating people into helping her/cleaning up her messes (fyi I don’t condone it). Get a job, get two jobs, make sure your aunt and kids have food and a stable environment to stay in, the rest of the money goes into saving for a place. That’s it. That’s all she had to do. It might sound like I’m oversimplifying everything, but trust me I’m not. My mom has had financial help from my grandma, my great aunt (before she passed), a cousin or two, countless friends, my godparents, etc. She wasted all of that on unnecessary things and moves.

We’ve stayed with five different people, she only got a real job once, the other times she sporadically did taxes, preached and made websites (for a fee). We left our real jobs (as terrible as it may of been) to come here, and now we’re without a car, stable income and we’re in another hotel. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful her implusiveness didn’t land us in the streets again. I just want it to be over.

I did my part too, I’m not some lazy freeloading 19 year old, when I got the job she forced me to get (I wanted to work at Target) I paid for some of her bills, I bought food, and I paid for the hotel sometimes. Keep in mind she owes me around $2000. My dream was to be in college now, away from all of this.

I’m trying my best to work up motivation to continue my college applications. Coming back here has just made me want to lay in bed all day and watch movies/tv shows and numb my feelings. Maybe it’s my depression, maybe it’s seasonal depression (it’s very cloudy and dreary here), maybe it’s a bit of both. I know I need to take control somehow, so I’m not stuck with my mom for any longer than I have to be.

At least I have one thing I didn’t before, love. I really want to go on and on about J, because I feel so happy when I’m talking about him, but think I’ll save him for another post. Maybe when I’m in a happy state of mind. Goodnight for now fellow writers.

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24

24 days since I met you,

24 years of life,

24 conversations giving me butterflies,

24 turns just to see a glimpse of you,

24 obstacles that don’t stand a chance against us,

24 pieces of the puzzle left,

24 gazes in each direction,

24 excuses to come see me

24 hours until I see you again.

Quick Life Update: Chlorine

So we moved! It went exactly as I thought it would… horrible. I got to experience the pleasure of the only college fund (that was just a lucky break) I’ve ever had being spent completely on hotels. Yep, that was a fun thing to experience. We’re currently in a hotel. I started my first job, and every two weeks I get to be badgered into giving my hard earned check to whatever bill is due! Doesn’t that just sound grand? Of course my mom is working too, we actually work at the same place, which is just a dream come true. Who doesn’t want to spend most of the day with their overbearing mother who complains constantly?

Seriously, I think there’s a saying that goes “it’s going to get worse before it gets better”, well I’ve been through the worst for the past couple of years and I’m really ready for the better. Sorry for sounding so whiny and negative, I’m feeling really hurt right now. See I wanted to go to this concert and see my favorite band and for the first time in my life I had enough money to go, and my mother said it was too dangerous and I could only go if I asked my (LITTLE) brother to come with me. Which I did, I quite literally begged, and he said no he’s too tired. Yeah sure, because he’s the one that works 4am-1pm four days a week. So I’m not in the best mood, I’m actually pretty close to crying, which is why I hopped on here. I feel better when I get all these feelings out in the open. My mom always taught me to keep it (unintentionally I assume), she’s the only one aloud to have irrational (and rational) emotional moments. I feel like eating my feelings, even though I was suppose to start a no sugar challenge yesterday. I already failed it though, so I might as well. Just being honest. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow, but for now I feel horrible. It’s just tiring to always make sacrifices for everyone all the time and have no one do the same for me. It just makes me feel worthless. Don’t let me start on my evil crazy great aunt who has it out for me. I could go on about her for days, she’s the human embodiment of the devil. Life has just felt so stressful, I’m trying really hard to pull it together.

Him.

As you walk into the room Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer plays, I spot you from across the room. All the girls old and young surround you, there’s just something so magnetic about you. You walk up to me and start a conversation with me, my heart beats out of my chest and I can’t stop smiling. I’m so used to feeling unseen, but you really see me.

We became fast friends, I love every second I’m around you. I never stop smiling when you’re beside me. I love how I catch you staring at me when I’m trying to sneak a glance at you. I’ve known you for a day and a year.

When you asked me out, I was a little surprised, but my mom wasn’t. She sees how you look at me too and don’t worry, she approves. I felt my body fill with excitement, I couldn’t wait to go out with you. I’ve never felt so comfortable and nervous around someone. Suddenly all of the love songs were about you.

I expected our date to be good, but I didn’t expect it to be so amazing. I didn’t expect to laugh so hard I cried a little. I didn’t expect to feel so content and free. Every moment with you feels better than the last.

Not Forgotten: A Short Poem

I love him.

I love him as surely as the sun falls to give the moon a chance to shine.

I love the glow of his eyes in the dark of the night.

I love the feeling of his gaze on me.

I love the way his laughter fills up the room.

I love the way his voice demands to be heard.

His hair so enchanting like a Disney prince.

His mouth plump like a peach.

His eyes, oh those eyes, two priceless emeralds.

His skin smooth like honey.

His voice that requires your respect.

Paired with his charisma and charm that makes you want to give it to him.

I love him.