Pretty Boy

As I sit here listening to a Taylor Swift song about getting over someone, the question still sits on my mind, why can’t I get over him? Is it because I just don’t want to? I think so, I can’t imagine a future without him in it. What a crazy thing to say about someone you say you barely know.

I remember the small things that made me think “God. I like this boy so much it’s crazy”. It feels like it was yesterday, I’d go home and replay every single thing in my head, blushing over the cute things while simultaneously scalding myself for being so awkward with him.

I remember him accidentally turning on a song (that I LOVED by the way) and dancing to it for a second before cutting off. I smiled so big. It was such a small thing, but I loved seeing him be so carefree.

I remember always laughing the loudest at the stories he would come up with in class, he would just look at me and smile and I would just smile back. His smile took my breath away.

I remember watching him perform and laughing so hard at all the little comedic effects that him and his group put in there, because they were just so HIM. I didn’t think about anyone else in the room, my attention was on him only.

I remember seeing him draw something while our class had some down time and thinking how talented he was. I remember wishing I had the courage to tell him how amazing I thought he was. I’m still amazed at his talent.

I remember going over his house one night (my ride wanted to drop him off first and his friend insisted I come meet his dog) and not petting his dog or cats because I didn’t have any hand sanitizer (I’m a germaphobe and my family is allergic to cats) and feeling so bad because I didn’t want him to think I hated his pets. I love dogs and cats have grown on me over the years. They were adorable and I made sure to give the big dog named after a certain member of the Anatidae family a lot of love later (when I could wash my hands).

I remember so many times I’d look up in class and see him staring in my direction. I just brushed it off as him spacing out but…. in my direction (i sat in a corner, I was never right in front of him) every time? I don’t know why I was so scared to admit there was a possibility he liked me back or at very least found me attractive.

I remember him riding his bicycle in the auditorium and I remember thinking “Who does that?” as he rode by multiple times staring at me (ALSO: who stares at someone while riding a bike ! what the heck dude !) I remember seeing him do that several times, I told my mom and she said he was trying to impress me. Maybe he was, consider me impressed.

I remember mustering up the courage to ask him for something. He did it with no problem. I remember smiling so much when I saw him smiling at me. I remember telling my friends “See? Easy.” as I tried to hide my excitement. I’m pretty sure my hands were shaking.

I remember the few times I felt his hands on me, when he was trying to get past me in the dark (as mentioned before). I remember feeling literal sparks, I always knew how he felt.

I remember fixing my skirt then thinking “Oh god. What if he’s behind me?” and guess what? He was. I remember feeling my cheeks get hot and then I remember what my mom wanted me to say to him. I compliment him on her behalf and he says thank you. I awkwardly turn back around and wait in line, wishing I could be as smooth as all the other girls I knew.

I remember another time I saw him perform, I thought he was amazing. So much passion. So out of the league of everyone else, his talent was so raw. It almost made me cry. I couldn’t believe I knew someone so undeniably talented. After it was over I told my friends I wanted to tell you how much I liked it. They told me to go for it. So I did.

I walked besides him for a second as we made our way to the bus and then I said his name, he answered smiling. I told him he was amazing and he said thank you with the biggest smile. He looked at me with that smile like he expected me to say something else, but I didn’t know what else to say. Now I can think of a hundred things to say, but then I was frozen. So both of us stood there awkwardly smiling until one of us kind of nodded then walked away. I couldn’t stop thinking about his green eyes and big smile.

I remember our teacher telling me to get the keys from him, I remember being so terrified to speak to him. I remember calling his name and telling him our teacher wanted the keys, I remember being like “Okay!” then I remember trying to walk over to him but stopping when he said “You wanna try to catch it?” with his notorious smile. I remember smiling and nodding.

I remember him throwing it and me begging God to let me catch it. I remember catching it and looking at him and seeing him smile. I remember practically running out of there. I was blushing for the rest of the day, even the next time I had to talk to you. I was doing little tasks for our teacher and replaying that moment religiously. I came home and gushingly told my mom about the honey blonde green-eyed actor that stole my heart.

The smallest moments have been in my head all time this, they meant so much more to me than the biggest moments. I repressed them for months when I was pretending to be over him, but being back in town brought them all back. When I think of those times with him, I still get butterflies.


Cape Dory… or Disneyland!

I haven’t been to a beach since I was 17, before that I hadn’t gone since I was like 5. For some reason, I miss it. I have this longing to go as much as possible. Maybe because everytime I went I’d feel this calm wash over me.

All my problems would disappear until I left. It feels like the only place I could think clearly. Stress isn’t allowed to follow you past a certain point (now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve never seen a stressed person on a beach).

All of this obviously means I need to move into a beachhouse, become a housewife and raise three kids named John, Oliva, and Meghan. I’m kidding, but seriously I don’t know why I’m so connected to the beach.

I probably just need a vacation. I’ve honestly been a ball of stress for years, but now that I’m getting migraines again (something that I haven’t consistently gotten since I was 10), I’m thinking I need a break.

Well, my mother won a trip to Disneyland for three people (yes it’s actually legit), so if my mom could get things in order, we can go this summer. I really wanted to go last year, but we didn’t have the money or time. Around the time I wanted to be there, I found out the guy I’m in love was there: see? fates’ been trying to put us together for a whole year lol.

Anyways, I think my whole family could use the vacation. Everyone’s been irritable and my brother hasn’t been able to be a kid in a long time, he needs this more than anyone. What better time to go? I go to the school in fall, so this could be one last family hurrah before I move on with my life.

Fingers crossed for Disneyland.

A short poem: I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)

(I wrote this in November lol)

I felt so free, so young, so beautiful.

Together with him feels so natural, so right.

I throw my arms around him as we sway to the music.

The pace picks up and so does his eyes, they sparkle and shine as we jump around.

Totally alone and in love.

I can’t take my eyes of him.

I wonder everyday how did I get so lucky? He’s worth more than the stars in the sky.

I thought him up, my prince charming.

Dancing the night away with me.

The Soul Crushing Effects of a Crush

I am embarrassing when it comes to having a crush, I mean most people are, but I take it way overboard. I tell everyone within a five mile radius how much I like the person, I overcompliment them, I blush uncontrollably. It’s like I’m possessed with a little love demon that is hellbent on making SURE the person knows I’m practically in love with them, without making any REAL moves to pursue anything with them. Here’s a summary of my turbulent love life.

Kindergarden: Let’s call the guy Henry. Poor Henry had to deal with me saying hi in the flirtest typical Marilyn Monroe character type voice every time I saw him. “Hiiiiii henry hehe.” He had zero interest in me, but I was relentless. I thought I was being kind of subtle too. I moved so it turned out okay. Sorry henry.

2nd-3rd grade: I was “in love” (like puppy love) with this friend from church. In my defense, he was very flirty with me too. We were actually friends (which is pretty rare for me and crushes). We would play together sometimes. One day we were all admitting secrets and I told my crush’s sister I liked her brother and she ran out the closet and screamed it out to everyone in the room (including him) He smugly told me I was too young for him (we were like a year apart but I looked like 8). I went downstairs and cried. Somehow this traumatic experience did not deter me and things went back to normal (kind of) I told my cousins who had just moved up there how much I liked him and how I thought he might like me too…. one of my cousin’s response was to go out with him. My crush decided to vebally rub that in my face, which in my book proves he was thinking about me more than her. They lasted like a week lol. After that, I was chilling watching something on his couch and we had a moment where he chased me around his house, it was very cutesy. Alas, we did not end up together.

4th grade: Ah yes. My best friend’s brother. The most cliche crush ever. He was a geniunely good guy, maybe one or two years older than me. We got along very well, so well that my best friend asked me if I liked her brother, to which I responded: “nO nooo haha of course not that’s like… your brother! haha yeah no.” (it was probably that repressed truama from my 2nd-3rd grade crush that made me lie) which I think convinced her even more that I liked him. We were always flirting and joking around, he was a class clown type (my favorite kind of guy) so he always wanted to make me laugh. It wasn’t odd for me to come over to hang out with her, only for him to hang around most of the time. He was very sweet and had my mother left us alone for a couple more minutes on that cool southern night, he would’ve been my first kiss. In a library too, which if you know me, is a perfect place for that to happen. They ended up moving and me and her kind of drifted apart, and I didn’t want to be like “Hey… uh I came over to see Justin…” so me and him drifted apart too, then they moved back in our neighbor, but then WE moved states. Sigh, it was doomed from the start.

5th (or 6th): There was this guy who I could NOT agree with. We butted heads on everything. He challanged me and I was always up for a debate. We always had different opinions and I thought I truly didn’t like him… until I did. I was insanely annoyed with him until something clicked. I never admitted my crush on him to anyone (not even myself) until years later, but it was definitely a crush. He was mostly sweet and always opened my locker for me (since I didn’t know how), like we were Sandy and Danny from Grease. He’d stare at me in class (I guess I noticed because I was looking too) with the cutest expression on his face. I made him a birthday card in art class (which I worked very hard on) which I promply gave to him and quickly walked away. All very middle school. Now that I’m thinking about it, that was probably my most unofficial-official romantic relationship.

There’s so much more embarrassment and angst, especially once I hit the high school years, so I’m gonna make a part two. I hope you enjoyed the first installment of “Jesus Christ, just TELL him already.”

This Is What Depression Looks Like

Hearing your alarm go off and putting it on snooze, over and over and over. You’re too tired to get up, your body feels heavy and drained. You feel like you’re in quicksand, stuck and unavailable to move without making it worst. You’ve been this way for 2 months.

You’re laughing with your friends, you’ve all gone to lunch. Your friends see someone who’s got it all together, someone who works hard and never gives up. They don’t know your emotions feel completely numb. You laugh just because you know that’s what you’re suppose to do. You don’t want to bother them with whatever’s going on with you.

You look in the mirror and wonder how you’ve let it come this far, why didn’t you do anything to stop it? You could’ve did something, right? Your toothbrush falls when you try to grab it and you burst into tears, it feels like everything is going wrong.

Someone you love dies and you feel sad, but not sadder than usual. You can’t tell if you’re grieving or not. You feel like you’re not doing it right. You feel like a horrible person. You loved them, why can’t you cry at their funeral? Why are you laughing an hour later?

You get on Instagram and you see all your “friends” having the time of their lives, you try to remind yourself it’s all fake and everyone is going through something, but secretly you wish you could swap lives with them. They all seem like they have it together, what did you do to deserve this?

You go to the doctor’s for the flu and they ask you if you’ve ever been depressed or suicidal, you say no, but you want to scream yes. You’re scared what would happen if you told a professional. Someone filled your head up with lies about mental hospitals and medication, those lies still linger in the back of your mind.

You wonder why you can’t keep friends, is it you or them? Is it normal not to contact someone for months than waltz back into their lives? Why didn’t they try to contact you? You tried to text, snapchat and whatever else the kids do. They didn’t seem interested… or was your mind playing tricks on you? Oh well, now you only have two friends left. Don’t screw it up.

You put up this guard of humor and compassion. You’re the funniest person in the room, you love making people laugh. Your jokes may be a little offbeat or dark, but people love it. You think about how no one knew Robin Williams was depressed and you wonder if that’ll be you one day. You always want to know how everyone ELSE is doing. People unload their emotional baggage on you and you just take it. Barely anyone extends that back to you, but you do it anyways.

You long for a normal life. You want to wake up energized, go to work/school/whatever, have friends to talk to and to hang out with, have someone special to think about. You wonder if you’ve ruined everything good in your life or was it your depression? Can you even blame it?

You see flaws in every single part of you and you try to love them, but it’s hard. All the people you know seem flawless, well… good enough. You wish you could rebuild yourself using other people. You’d take Denise’s hair, Sabrina’s lips, Gina’s nose, Fiona’s stomach, Riley’s height. Her style, her personality, her drive, her wit, her voice, her good luck, until there’s nothing left of you.

After a long day, you go to bed. You stare up at the ceiling and daydream about feeling happy. You daydream about being rich, famous, popular and in love. Soon you daydreams turn to dreams, where you can’t escape your thoughts. Your dreams criticise you almost as much as you do. A dream mocks you for not being able to talk to the boy you’re in love with.

Soon, it’s morning. You wake up and do it all over again.

Scorpio Moon

I’m a little (maybe that’s an understatement) into astrology and we’re currently experiencing the Scorpio moon. Exciting yet frightful times.

Moving from the lighthearted, fun and flirty Libra Moon to the dark, intense, mysterious Scorpio Moon could feel hard for some people, especially venusians like myself.

During this moon a lot of themes of passion occur. There’s a heightened sense of sensuality and with the harsh Mars/Saturn aspect looming over us, tensions are rising.

A few days ago, my mother and I saw a total of 5 couples arguing in the same packing lot. Some within minutes of each other. Some may call it a coincidence, but I think otherwise.

For me everything feels slowed down, people are annoying me easier and I feel insecure about my social standing. I’ve been questioning everything and everyone in my life. I feel a little more down than usual. I crave intensity and I want to shout out my truth to everyone.

“Get off my back mom and work on fixing your God complex!” “Hey uh you need help and until you admit that I don’t know what you want me to do?!” “I’m in love with you! Stop playing this push or pull game, I’m TIRED. I want STABILITY.” “Hey family I don’t really subscribe to the same traditional Christian ideals anymore! Deal with it!” “Tell your flaky loser son to never come back around! We’re all sick of seeing his face! It has not been a fun time.

Eventually it’ll pass and everything will feel well…. a little bit more normal. Right now though: I would keep my mouth shut a little more often if I were you. Just to keep the peace.

This is also a great time to let go of things (or people) you feel unhealthy attachments to. It’s time to make room for better things in your life. Even if you don’t believe in all of this stuff, it never hurts to clean out the inventory every once in a while.

“Toolkit: How to write your About page”

Really great article. I definitely plan to utilize this advice. I think this could be helpful to fellow bloggers as well!

Your about page copy is like a form of identity for the internet. It reflects who you are, what you stand for, and the work you do. However, it’s not always easy to talk about yourself and it certainly feels awkward to highlight your successes. But if you don’t, who will? Similar to life, it’s a process that’s continuously growing and unraveling rather than being set in stone.