As I sit here listening to a Taylor Swift song about getting over someone, the question still sits on my mind, why can’t I get over him? Is it because I just don’t want to? I think so, I can’t imagine a future without him in it. What a crazy thing to say about someone you say you barely know.
I remember the small things that made me think “God. I like this boy so much it’s crazy”. It feels like it was yesterday, I’d go home and replay every single thing in my head, blushing over the cute things while simultaneously scalding myself for being so awkward with him.
I remember him accidentally turning on a song (that I LOVED by the way) and dancing to it for a second before cutting off. I smiled so big. It was such a small thing, but I loved seeing him be so carefree.
I remember always laughing the loudest at the stories he would come up with in class, he would just look at me and smile and I would just smile back. His smile took my breath away.
I remember watching him perform and laughing so hard at all the little comedic effects that him and his group put in there, because they were just so HIM. I didn’t think about anyone else in the room, my attention was on him only.
I remember seeing him draw something while our class had some down time and thinking how talented he was. I remember wishing I had the courage to tell him how amazing I thought he was. I’m still amazed at his talent.
I remember going over his house one night (my ride wanted to drop him off first and his friend insisted I come meet his dog) and not petting his dog or cats because I didn’t have any hand sanitizer (I’m a germaphobe and my family is allergic to cats) and feeling so bad because I didn’t want him to think I hated his pets. I love dogs and cats have grown on me over the years. They were adorable and I made sure to give the big dog named after a certain member of the Anatidae family a lot of love later (when I could wash my hands).
I remember so many times I’d look up in class and see him staring in my direction. I just brushed it off as him spacing out but…. in my direction (i sat in a corner, I was never right in front of him) every time? I don’t know why I was so scared to admit there was a possibility he liked me back or at very least found me attractive.
I remember him riding his bicycle in the auditorium and I remember thinking “Who does that?” as he rode by multiple times staring at me (ALSO: who stares at someone while riding a bike ! what the heck dude !) I remember seeing him do that several times, I told my mom and she said he was trying to impress me. Maybe he was, consider me impressed.
I remember mustering up the courage to ask him for something. He did it with no problem. I remember smiling so much when I saw him smiling at me. I remember telling my friends “See? Easy.” as I tried to hide my excitement. I’m pretty sure my hands were shaking.
I remember the few times I felt his hands on me, when he was trying to get past me in the dark (as mentioned before). I remember feeling literal sparks, I always knew how he felt.
I remember fixing my skirt then thinking “Oh god. What if he’s behind me?” and guess what? He was. I remember feeling my cheeks get hot and then I remember what my mom wanted me to say to him. I compliment him on her behalf and he says thank you. I awkwardly turn back around and wait in line, wishing I could be as smooth as all the other girls I knew.
I remember another time I saw him perform, I thought he was amazing. So much passion. So out of the league of everyone else, his talent was so raw. It almost made me cry. I couldn’t believe I knew someone so undeniably talented. After it was over I told my friends I wanted to tell you how much I liked it. They told me to go for it. So I did.
I walked besides him for a second as we made our way to the bus and then I said his name, he answered smiling. I told him he was amazing and he said thank you with the biggest smile. He looked at me with that smile like he expected me to say something else, but I didn’t know what else to say. Now I can think of a hundred things to say, but then I was frozen. So both of us stood there awkwardly smiling until one of us kind of nodded then walked away. I couldn’t stop thinking about his green eyes and big smile.
I remember our teacher telling me to get the keys from him, I remember being so terrified to speak to him. I remember calling his name and telling him our teacher wanted the keys, I remember being like “Okay!” then I remember trying to walk over to him but stopping when he said “You wanna try to catch it?” with his notorious smile. I remember smiling and nodding.
I remember him throwing it and me begging God to let me catch it. I remember catching it and looking at him and seeing him smile. I remember practically running out of there. I was blushing for the rest of the day, even the next time I had to talk to you. I was doing little tasks for our teacher and replaying that moment religiously. I came home and gushingly told my mom about the honey blonde green-eyed actor that stole my heart.
The smallest moments have been in my head all time this, they meant so much more to me than the biggest moments. I repressed them for months when I was pretending to be over him, but being back in town brought them all back. When I think of those times with him, I still get butterflies.