We moved back. When she told me we were leaving I thought that was what I wanted, but as the date of our move neared, I realized I was wrong about everything. What did I want to come back to? I didn’t leave behind best friends, just a few good friends, other “friends”couldn’t care less. Can I blame them? I had only met them 6-8 months prior, but we barly knew each other. We definitely didn’t leave behind jobs or a home. Where we moved to isn’t some wonderland either, but I fell in love so that made it a little better. I miss him so much, he was the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. I don’t want to know a future that doesn’t include him. Everything seemed so gray and bleak, but he made me see colors again. The best part of it all, is he’s falling in love with me too.
It seems like every time I say “okay maybe good can come out of this”, my mom moves. I don’t know why she can’t ever be content, I just want her to be grateful for once instead of going “Nope not good enough! If I move it’ll all get better.”, that’s not how the real world works. That’s why we haven’t had a stable home for almost 3 years. She rushes too much, things take a little time. It’ll all come together if you let it. I wish I could make her understand that, I’ve tried so many times.
It’s really an easy fix, especially since she’s amazing at manipulating people into helping her/cleaning up her messes (fyi I don’t condone it). Get a job, get two jobs, make sure your aunt and kids have food and a stable environment to stay in, the rest of the money goes into saving for a place. That’s it. That’s all she had to do. It might sound like I’m oversimplifying everything, but trust me I’m not. My mom has had financial help from my grandma, my great aunt (before she passed), a cousin or two, countless friends, my godparents, etc. She wasted all of that on unnecessary things and moves.
We’ve stayed with five different people, she only got a real job once, the other times she sporadically did taxes, preached and made websites (for a fee). We left our real jobs (as terrible as it may of been) to come here, and now we’re without a car, stable income and we’re in another hotel. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful her implusiveness didn’t land us in the streets again. I just want it to be over.
I did my part too, I’m not some lazy freeloading 19 year old, when I got the job she forced me to get (I wanted to work at Target) I paid for some of her bills, I bought food, and I paid for the hotel sometimes. Keep in mind she owes me around $2000. My dream was to be in college now, away from all of this.
I’m trying my best to work up motivation to continue my college applications. Coming back here has just made me want to lay in bed all day and watch movies/tv shows and numb my feelings. Maybe it’s my depression, maybe it’s seasonal depression (it’s very cloudy and dreary here), maybe it’s a bit of both. I know I need to take control somehow, so I’m not stuck with my mom for any longer than I have to be.
At least I have one thing I didn’t before, love. I really want to go on and on about J, because I feel so happy when I’m talking about him, but think I’ll save him for another post. Maybe when I’m in a happy state of mind. Goodnight for now fellow writers.