Nowhere but up.

If you would’ve asked me about five years ago, how the months before the change of the decade would be going, I probably would’ve said “Better than now lol, I assume I’m graduating from college in 2020 yay!! I’m probably a bit thinner (hopefully a lot), seeing a therapist, closer with my parents, and idk just happy overall…. OH and I’ve definitely seen ariana, twenty one pilots and halsey live by then.”

Honestly I had hoped to achieve all of that or at the very least be happy. I’m not. Instead I’m sobbing because of the pain the rotting tooth I haven’t been able to fix for years is causing me (made worse by the fact I’m sleeping on an airbed close to a drafty window.) I’m wondering if God is actually going to give my family a miracle and have someone pay our storage (unlike the one we lost just a few months ago). I’m wondering how I’m suppose to save any money up to 1. get a laptop 2. get a new phone that works 3. move out, so obviously there’s a lot on my mind.

The decade changes in about three months and I’ve done nothing important, I’ve watched my life be squandered away by my mother and all the mistakes she just keeps not learning from, I can’t force myself into the next steps of my life, something needs to give, right? If I jump the gun (like I did when I tried to just go to any college just to extract myself from the madness… obviously didn’t work), all I end up doing is wasting time and looking dumb.

God it hurts so badly, I had a numbing paste just for my teeth troubles, but I’m pretty sure I left it in one of three sstorages! In another state! Yay for me. This storage thing has been really messing with me, I see flashs from when we found out our other one had been sold (due to my mom being dumb and trusting dumb people to take care of HER business), lost so many things I paid for, not to mention sentimental value stuff: like from my dead great aunt, not to mention business/creative stuff of mine and a ton of gifts, now I hate hearing the word “storage”, I hate that there’s three more in the world, currently unpaid, with my stuff in it. No one shoulld ever have that kind of power over someone else.

I keep looking for something or someone to come and fix the web my mom has managed to get all of us stuck in, but I guess I shouldn’t hold my breath. No one owes us that, if I could just break free, I know I would be okay. I just need to get me and my stuff far away from her. She’s done enough damage.

I guess I’ll go play the Mario Kart app to distract myself from the fact that my tooth is basically screaming at me to get it fixed, God knows if I could I would, I already have a $200 hospital bill because of a nerve injury caused by the circumstances my mother put me in. They didn’t help me at all, but of course they still want my money because capitalism.

I don’t have anything encouraging left to say, I’m exhausted (tooth won’t let me sleep) and drained. I wish I could end it all.

Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have… but I have it

Staying afloat is all I seem to be doing lately, that or drowning. Life hasn’t felt so rose-colored, but then again for me it never truly was in the first place. My childhood was rough, rocky and violent. I got through it by telling myself it would get better, maybe that was a foolish thing to repeat over and over to myself as the years pasted, but I had to keep some faith, some kind of hope, because if it wasn’t ever going to get better, what was the point of trying?

Today I cried in the bathroom as images of my father crying (I was crying back then too) as my mother’s friend drove my mother, brother and me away for a vacation-or at least that’s what my mom told me-that would result in me not seeing my dad for 8 years. I thought I was over it, but I realized I had never talked about it with anyone besides my mom, and that was always cold and brief, with her never taking responsibility and me finding the conversation useless. I haven’t told the whole story to my best friends, not even my brother has heard the full story, just fragments of a day that shattered my life, my emotional being and my spirit.

After the emotional outburst I felt unnerved, like my bandage had gotten old and dirty and fallen off. I thought of all the ways I could write it out, so people could know the pain I’ve experienced and maybe understand a little bit better why I’m so closed off, why it’s taken me months to warm up to people, why I get so possessive over the people in my life that I love (here’s a hint: it’s because I’m scared someone better will take them away and then I’ll truly be alone even when I’m surrounded by people). Anyways, I went to watch a show, the next episode of the funeral of one of the character’s fathers, last time they talked she was mad at him, it made me think of my own dad. Last time we talked I wasn’t mad, I was actually pleading with him not to tell my mother I finally told him about my sexual harasser, he said we’d talk later, but he hasn’t called back and I haven’t called him.

Why? Because I want to call him with good news, I want to tell him I got a job, into a musical, into SOMETHING. I already feel like he’s disappointed in me, but I’m probably just projecting my own disappointment. He always tells me I’m going to do something big in the world and I just want to make him proud, I want us to recover from our 8 year gap. I want to move out, so he can come visit me whenever (okay not whenever but more than he can now), I want to be able to give him money (he’s an immigrant who still hasn’t figured out america yet), I want to buy him a big house and a nice car so he can quit his stupid job, I want us to go on holidays together, like a real family.

Let’s say I make it big doing my passions, I wrote a best-seller, I have a hit album, I’m in a major movie, etc etc etc, the dad I know wouldn’t be happy about the way of my earning unless it was Christian based in some way and honestly it probably won’t be, I can’t see myself starring in Heaven Is For Real 2, but one of my many talents is talking, I know I could talk my dad into tolerating my hollywood lifestyle, maybe not loving it but definitely tolerating it. God, I say this about the same man who wouldn’t let my mother film Barney or Sesame Street (Yes, yes. I was almost a child star, long story), but I’m pretty sure he’s mellowed out a bit.

It hurts to have to lie to him, all because of my mother. I understand not telling him everything, I don’t even tell her EVERYTHING (if I did she’d know I went to my old crush’s house before I liked him and talked with his mom for like 30 minutes and honestly didn’t want to leave), but all this tip toeing around him, all these lies about stupid trivial stuff, one day I’ll tell him everything and he’ll probably be super pissed at her, but he deserves to know the truth.

God I wish I was a little kid again, I wish I was at the car wash with him begging him to let me put in the quarters, or waiting up for him to say goodnight or being in the car with him singing to Heaven by Los Lonely Boys, or hopping in bed with him after a bad storm started up. He made me feel so safe and free, something I haven’t felt since my mom took me away from him.

I feel like I was kidnapped and forced to love my kidnapper. I mean, I loved my mother before, but after the divorce she was a whole other person and got tired very quickly of me asking when we were going back to my dad. Soon I was the reminder of a failed marriage, she hated me, for some reason she didn’t hate my brother, I guess she couldn’t bring herself to hate a baby basically fresh out of the womb, but she hated me and I was only 6 or 7, but that didn’t matter.

I don’t know why all of this trauma is coming up now. Sometimes I think of Emerald Eyes (not in a “I still love you” way but more of a self reflecting way) and think what if I had a good example of love growing up? Or what if I would’ve dealt with this trauma that’s obviously still affecting me? Would I be with him now? Would I have befriended him, ignored all the “will they, won’t they” stuff with his best friend and asked him out? That would’ve been much easier than occasionally staring back when he stared at me, right? Much less messy than going off on him for not responding to my text asking him out for a beverage I barely drink. Much less embarassing than him dodging the question and than me playing ring around the rosie with him until he tells me he’s not ready for dating, right?

He reminded me a lot of my dad, which makes me check another stereotype/statistic box, the divorced parents’ girl that looks for her dad in men because he wasn’t there (couldn’t be because he literally didn’t know where we were). When I was young I promised myself I wouldn’t become a statistic or stereotype. I wouldn’t be the high school dropout, or the black teen mom (like my mom was), or the one people labeled “the slut” (fyi I don’t believe in that anymore, be free, have sex!), I’m pretty sure people labeled me the slut behind my back anyways, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why, high school kids are mean.

Yeah, so this long rambling cry-for-help of a post just solidifies my urgent need for a good therapist. I know as long as there’s still hope and fight in me, I’ll end up happy eventually. I bid you well readers, hug your dads tigher (if he’s there and he isn’t a piece of shit).

Life Update: You gotta be crazy

Boy has life been beating down hard on me, I mean really just hammering down. I feel like I’ve been smacked with Thor’s hammer seventy-two times.

Hi. Hello. Boujour. Aloha.

We are still in the middle of a move (it’s been three years now). My mother is going into that dark place where she snaps at us for every little thing that we do, I knew shed get back there, it’s the only thing she’s been consistent with since she left my dad. It still hurts me when she gets like this, but now it hurts less since I realized she’s probably a narcissist and/or dealing with an undiagnosed mental illness, not that any of that makes it right., but it healed me realize I’m not at fault all of the time. I’m a good person and she can’t take that from me anymore.

As for my brother, as he gets older and falls more into this depression she created, her sharp words and sudden blow-ups hurt him a little more each day, but he likes to pretend it doesn’t bother him as much, I know when i was his age (15), her words and cruel actions almost pushed me over the edge multiple times. Don’t ever underestimate how much feeling like your mother hates you can fuck you up. Anyways, he’s hurting I can tell, and being used as a free dog watcher by her lazy, old friend isn’t helping either.

We’re currently staying with her friend and using his car, so he feels entitled to our time, energy, money, etc. Which majorly sucks, especially since he’s filthy and his place is like Shrek’s swamp come to life, but somehow ten times worse. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to have a bed to sleep in, sleeping in a car is what made my hand go numb (for like two months now!) Lucky me). It’s just not the greatest environment to be… more than a day, and we’ve been here since earlier May. She had to get my evil great aunt in a home and that’s almost done, so if she doesn’t waste all the money she just got on her shopaholic tendencies, we should be on our way out of here soon.

Oh and she trusted the friend we’re staying with to pay our storage (you know, the with my prom dress, graduation cap and gown, musical memories, photos of dad, etc) but he didn’t so it was sold! Currently believing if there’s a higher force out there looking out for me, he’ll somehow, someway give me my stuff back, it wasn’t just meaningless clothes or something, it was irreplaceable things. My favorite dead aunt’s stuff was in there. I also think I’ve suffered enough in my lifetime and I’m past due One Big Break, so I’d like to use it on that.

On a lighter note, I think I’ve finally gotten over that dude. I don’t know what clicked, but I realized I wanted someone who made an effort to be with me. Staring is not an effort, it’s just really weird. I mean imagine if every person that felt attracted to someone else just gave them the creepiest Edward Cullen stare, ugh it gives me chills just thinking about it. Anyways, I’m worth more, I can’t wait around for someone who never even talked to me first, not once. I want the big love story I always read about (or watch). I want the big epic love story, the kind of thing that’ll make me tear up when I recount it to my kids (assuming this big epic love story is their father lol). I’ve settled for so much in my life, but I refuse to settle anymore. I deserve better. So emerald eyes: we never dated, but I dump your ass! Megan Thee Stallion, Kim Petras, Slayyyter, Halsey, Ariana Grande and my best friends may have had a hand in helping me realize my worth, so thanks to them lol.

On that note, I met a guy, well… I met him again. My mom’s friend (whom has sadly fallen in love with my mom) has a son who is very tall and very attractive. I thought the same thing when I saw him last year, but I was too stuck on a certain guy. I can’t remember if we were ever introduced, but I just remember thinking he seemed quirky and I mean that in a good way. He wore suspenders, which reminded me of Steve Urkel, but they kinda worked on him. So recently we went out to see a movie with him and his dad, it was the first time I had seen him in a year, not much had changed besides his hair getting longer, but he was still really cute, even more so now (I’m a sucker for long curly hair). My mom came in the room and told me he was cute as she pulled my low-cut top up a little bit and covered me up even more with my jacket.

When I came out he gave me a small smile and I felt my heart jump, “Uh oh” I thought “Here we go again”. When we got in his car we said our hellos and me, my brother and his dad talked about movies, I kept wishing he’d join in. His dad introduced us (and I’m pretty sure he used my embarrassing childhood nickname, which is fine if he uses but I didn’t want his cute son using it too sheesh) to his son and his son looked back at me and waved, I guess it was easier for him to just look straight at me from the driver’s seat, because he never turned around to look at my brother who was sitting behind him, but maybe I’m over thinking. Every time he’d have to look out the back windows to merge over, my heart leapt, I tried to calm myself down. I JUST got over the guy I’ve been stuck on for almost two years, I probably shouldn’t rush straight into another crush, not without good reason at least. I quickly learned he was funny, sweet and I was right he WAS quirky. He’s not a great driver, like at all, but I still enjoyed the ride.

A few laughs and a huge U-turn later, we were at the movies and I was literally shaking, I tried to take deep breath, it didn’t help much. I was over thinking everything I did. Finally after a held door and a few minutes of waiting on popcorn at concessions, we were in the theater and boy was I glad, I finally felt like I wasn’t embarassing myself, because it was dark and he was two seats away from me. The movie was good, better than I expected, it was one of those “third installment that doesn’t include the original main characters” movies. After the movie we all went to grab a quick bite and yes: my heart did flutter everytime he looked back at me to see what I wanted. I was almost certain he could feel my nervousness, as much as I tried to keep a level, cool voice and a pleasant but totally neutral face, I can’t hide my feelings. It’s like a curse.

Soon It was time for them to drop us off, I wasted water all over my pants, it literally looked like I peed, thankfully they didn’t notice because of another mistake I made, so I quickly corrected myself and squirmed out of his car, then I said “Bye!” in the most awkward, schoolgirl voice ever. I was just glad it was over as I ran up to my mom’s friend’s door and rapidly knocked, they were waiting for us to get inside (such gentlemen) and I couldn’t wait to do just that.

The night proved to be too much and I basically had a breakdown, half laughing, half crying, trying to breathe as I recounted every thing I did wrong to my brother It was kind of pathetic, but crushes do that to a person, which is why I must NOT crush on this guy. Besides the fact that this dude may be my future step-brother…. I need more then stares and politeness, remember? If he asks me out it’ll be a big YES, but until then I have to focus on me. It takes too much time and energy liking someone who doesn’t like you back as much or at all, so since I literally just met him, it’s best not to rush into anything as usual.

While I reaaaaally want a relationship, I know I need to focus on myself, I’ve been improving (the best I can without a therapist) and I feel like a whole new person, but I know there’s more to be done. Like figuring out where I’m going to school in the fall, should I do community college in a… questionable city near my best friend or should I do university in a… racist city in the mountains? Big decisions to make and time seems to be speeding up, I feel like the walls are closing in on me and everyone’s screaming “PICK! PICK! PICK!”

Sometimes it feels hard for me to make decisions-big and small-because I never want to make the wrong decisions. I’ve lost opportunities because of my indesiveness before, I know I can’t let that happen now. Which is why I need to focus on me and not boys, they’re fun and cute, but they can’t fix everything in my life, that’s up to me now.

Hey, it’s been a while.

Let me catch you up to speed.

When I first started this blog, I had some very big goals with what I was going to do with it, then life got hard and I had to put all my time and effort in keeping my head above the water, then during a depression-at first I thought it wasn’t, but it totally was- binge of Ugly Betty, I realized I wanted to get back in touch with all the things I had in common with Betty, fashion, blogging and a EXTENSIVE glo up.

So I started to write when I had time and it was fun, I liked seeing how people reacted to what I wrote even if it was as simple as a like or a comment saying “Nice”, it made me feel seen and heard, something I’ve struggled to achieve since I was a kid. I think deep down inside, we all want to be heard and understood. I think it’s one of the most common problems among people in the world.

Times have been feeling tough again, I feel like I’m getting pulled under, I keep fighting and trying to hold on, but it’s hard. I want to keep a positive outlook on life, while allowing myself to feel emotions that our society labelled “negative”, trying to find that balance has been hard and scary, but I know it’s something I need to do, not only to survive, but to succeed.

I know a lot of my stories resonate with people, which makes me really happy and sad at the same time. This blog is about mental health issues, moving around a lot, secrets, lies, betrayal, falling in love, feeling heartbreak, astrology, spiritually, college and questioning everything and everyone around you, plus so much more (and starting sometime this month: book, movies and tv show reviews because why not). It sucks some of you go through the same awful things I go through, but I want you to find comfort in knowing: you’re not alone. There’s someone who gets it, there’s a lot of people who get it.

I’m here to make you laugh, cry and think. All while getting out some tough emotions myself. Maybe we can heal ourselves together.

This isn’t a goodbye post, quite the opposite actually, it’s more of a “I promise to keep on trying, if not for me.. for you”

This is what anxiety feels like.

Going to the store alone feels like such a struggle, your family makes fun of you for needing someone to go in with you, so you just go in alone, but you shake the whole time. You feel like you’re walking weirdly, breathing too loudly, you feel like an alien.

Feeling your heart stop when a stranger looks at you, what if they’re plotting something horrible? What if they know something bad about you? What if someone told them a lie about you? What if?

Never having the guts to go after someone you like until it’s too late. You spend 6 months building up courage to speak to them, only for them to have moved on to the next person. You replay every thing you did wrong and think of all the ways you could’ve did it better.

Having to use the bathroom every single day around the same time at school because your anxiety makes you physically ill. You wonder if people notice and think you’re weird or doing something wrong.

Watching your former classmates on social media have fun with their friends and wish you had to courage to make friendships like that last. You feel like every person you’ve ever called your friend last year hates you. You notice the tone changes no one else pays attention to. No one calls to hang out, did I push them all away?

In choir, you never tried out for the big parts, the parts all the pretty girls who knew they were talented tried out for and when you did, you sang too low for anyone to hear you. You shook the whole time, you felt accomplished and embarrassed at the same time. Why bother?

Deep inside you’re this fun, confident, free spirited girl who doesn’t care what people say. You’re the girl that everyone loves for just being herself, you’re caring, you’re kind, you’re funny you’re cool. You embrace your talents and you’re not afraid to fail sometimes, you laugh it off and try again. You can do anything you set your mind to.

On the outside your this shy quiet girl who lets others take advantage of her. At times you were basically mute. You don’t speak up because you don’t want to ruffle any feathers, you don’t share your talents because you feel like they’re not good enough, you joke to hide your pain. You feel so fat and worthless. You try to be whatever everyone wants you to be, but you’re tired of pretending.

Late at night or when you feel the most comfortable, the girl within slips out. She laughs when she wants to, she cries when she wants to, she doesn’t pretend for anyone. She sticks her middle finger up to anyone who wants to take her freedom away.

Soon however, the anxious girl returns and stuffs the free girl back into her cage kicking and screaming. The people pleasing girl scared of her own shadow returns to ruin the day again. Who can save the girl from herself, from her brain?

Pretty Boy

As I sit here listening to a Taylor Swift song about getting over someone, the question still sits on my mind, why can’t I get over him? Is it because I just don’t want to? I think so, I can’t imagine a future without him in it. What a crazy thing to say about someone you say you barely know.

I remember the small things that made me think “God. I like this boy so much it’s crazy”. It feels like it was yesterday, I’d go home and replay every single thing in my head, blushing over the cute things while simultaneously scalding myself for being so awkward with him.

I remember him accidentally turning on a song (that I LOVED by the way) and dancing to it for a second before cutting off. I smiled so big. It was such a small thing, but I loved seeing him be so carefree.

I remember always laughing the loudest at the stories he would come up with in class, he would just look at me and smile and I would just smile back. His smile took my breath away.

I remember watching him perform and laughing so hard at all the little comedic effects that him and his group put in there, because they were just so HIM. I didn’t think about anyone else in the room, my attention was on him only.

I remember seeing him draw something while our class had some down time and thinking how talented he was. I remember wishing I had the courage to tell him how amazing I thought he was. I’m still amazed at his talent.

I remember going over his house one night (my ride wanted to drop him off first and his friend insisted I come meet his dog) and not petting his dog or cats because I didn’t have any hand sanitizer (I’m a germaphobe and my family is allergic to cats) and feeling so bad because I didn’t want him to think I hated his pets. I love dogs and cats have grown on me over the years. They were adorable and I made sure to give the big dog named after a certain member of the Anatidae family a lot of love later (when I could wash my hands).

I remember so many times I’d look up in class and see him staring in my direction. I just brushed it off as him spacing out but…. in my direction (i sat in a corner, I was never right in front of him) every time? I don’t know why I was so scared to admit there was a possibility he liked me back or at very least found me attractive.

I remember him riding his bicycle in the auditorium and I remember thinking “Who does that?” as he rode by multiple times staring at me (ALSO: who stares at someone while riding a bike ! what the heck dude !) I remember seeing him do that several times, I told my mom and she said he was trying to impress me. Maybe he was, consider me impressed.

I remember mustering up the courage to ask him for something. He did it with no problem. I remember smiling so much when I saw him smiling at me. I remember telling my friends “See? Easy.” as I tried to hide my excitement. I’m pretty sure my hands were shaking.

I remember the few times I felt his hands on me, when he was trying to get past me in the dark (as mentioned before). I remember feeling literal sparks, I always knew how he felt.

I remember fixing my skirt then thinking “Oh god. What if he’s behind me?” and guess what? He was. I remember feeling my cheeks get hot and then I remember what my mom wanted me to say to him. I compliment him on her behalf and he says thank you. I awkwardly turn back around and wait in line, wishing I could be as smooth as all the other girls I knew.

I remember another time I saw him perform, I thought he was amazing. So much passion. So out of the league of everyone else, his talent was so raw. It almost made me cry. I couldn’t believe I knew someone so undeniably talented. After it was over I told my friends I wanted to tell you how much I liked it. They told me to go for it. So I did.

I walked besides him for a second as we made our way to the bus and then I said his name, he answered smiling. I told him he was amazing and he said thank you with the biggest smile. He looked at me with that smile like he expected me to say something else, but I didn’t know what else to say. Now I can think of a hundred things to say, but then I was frozen. So both of us stood there awkwardly smiling until one of us kind of nodded then walked away. I couldn’t stop thinking about his green eyes and big smile.

I remember our teacher telling me to get the keys from him, I remember being so terrified to speak to him. I remember calling his name and telling him our teacher wanted the keys, I remember being like “Okay!” then I remember trying to walk over to him but stopping when he said “You wanna try to catch it?” with his notorious smile. I remember smiling and nodding.

I remember him throwing it and me begging God to let me catch it. I remember catching it and looking at him and seeing him smile. I remember practically running out of there. I was blushing for the rest of the day, even the next time I had to talk to you. I was doing little tasks for our teacher and replaying that moment religiously. I came home and gushingly told my mom about the honey blonde green-eyed actor that stole my heart.

The smallest moments have been in my head all time this, they meant so much more to me than the biggest moments. I repressed them for months when I was pretending to be over him, but being back in town brought them all back. When I think of those times with him, I still get butterflies.

Cape Dory… or Disneyland!

I haven’t been to a beach since I was 17, before that I hadn’t gone since I was like 5. For some reason, I miss it. I have this longing to go as much as possible. Maybe because everytime I went I’d feel this calm wash over me.

All my problems would disappear until I left. It feels like the only place I could think clearly. Stress isn’t allowed to follow you past a certain point (now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve never seen a stressed person on a beach).

All of this obviously means I need to move into a beachhouse, become a housewife and raise three kids named John, Oliva, and Meghan. I’m kidding, but seriously I don’t know why I’m so connected to the beach.

I probably just need a vacation. I’ve honestly been a ball of stress for years, but now that I’m getting migraines again (something that I haven’t consistently gotten since I was 10), I’m thinking I need a break.

Well, my mother won a trip to Disneyland for three people (yes it’s actually legit), so if my mom could get things in order, we can go this summer. I really wanted to go last year, but we didn’t have the money or time. Around the time I wanted to be there, I found out the guy I’m in love was there: see? fates’ been trying to put us together for a whole year lol.

Anyways, I think my whole family could use the vacation. Everyone’s been irritable and my brother hasn’t been able to be a kid in a long time, he needs this more than anyone. What better time to go? I go to the school in fall, so this could be one last family hurrah before I move on with my life.

Fingers crossed for Disneyland.