So now I say goodbye to the old me, it’s already gone.

Happy New Years, 3 months into the new year. The question on my mind is: how many times can a person metaphorically die and be reborn?

Didn’t think things would get dramatically worse, I mean wow… this year caught me off guard. Lost two of the three remaining storages, slept in a car for most of these new year months, spent the other time sleeping in airports all around the U.S. Rode in cars and trucks that rental companies had reported stolen because if we gave it up my mom gave it up we’d be on the street in the cold. Found my old best friend and first love online…. just to realize maybe they don’t want me to be apart of their lives like I used to be, maybe they moved on while I stayed stuck in 2012. Don’t even get me started on my dad and his wicked wife.

After seeing off the latest leech my mother had taken under her wings and allowed to distract her from important stuff and make life worse for us :), I started the year optimistic and headed for Arizona from Texas with my mom and brother, hoping/praying/wishing everything would turn out alright, but it didn’t. Shit hit the fan… hard. We slept in a car that wasn’t ours, wasting time by planning plans that would eventually fall through. Making something out of nothing, getting caught up in signs and synchronicities, instead of being grounded in reality. Pouring into other people, that probably care about us less than we cared about them at that point. Once my mother got struck with the idea to go to Florida, there was no stopping her, I had to convince myself that maybe things would work out over there, like it was suppose to work out in Arizona, Texas, Georgia, Florida, Texas (we went back there 6+ times), Georgia (yeah we kept going there too), Washington, Iowa, Indiana, but it didn’t.

After being terrorized by some private investigator that I hope is now burning in hell, we gave up the rental car and we ended up sleeping in the airport. God can you imagine how humiliating it is to sleep in an airport for like a week? The same clothes almost everyday (we were able to change sometimes thank god.) We begged for money from friends and family and we got enough to get out of there with a U-Haul truck and the naive belief that things would actually get better. We headed back to Texas to sit and be homeless in Wal-Mart parking lots because we didn’t have enough money to travel and U-Haul wanted their shitty truck back.

From there my mother called her Taxi friend and let him know our awful situation, he felt bad because he has a heart and he bought us food and gave us money to go to a hotel, then my mom kept calling. He was very gracious to help us out at all and my mom took advantage of it, so he got annoyed. He put us in a hotel twice and gave us money to add to our own to get us in a hotel two or three times. He also bought us food multiple times, sure we hate Dominos, but it’s not like we had any other options. Much to his relief, eventually we leave. This is the part that was total bullshit. My sister bought us all tickets to go to the state she’s in, she offered to take me and my brother to live with her, she said my mom can stay with my grandma (my mom and sister don’t get along enough to live together) and get back on her feet. Fair deal right? Wrong, my mother refused. She refused to allow us (including me, a 20 year old) to go stay with my sister, who lives in a nice safe suburb. She threatened to tell my father on me. She pretended she would take the tickets to where my sister is and then called and changed them to San Francisco so she could eventually get to LA, because she felt lead to California.

Well poor planning and karma came together and we got stuck in San Francisco Airport because she couldn’t get tickets to LA. We stayed in the airport like 2 days until a kind stranger approached us and offered to help. My mom said to help us get to LAX, but the lady wanted to know if we had a place to stay there, we didn’t. She found one ticket for LAX that she could get and then send two of us later (i guess), but that wouldn’t work either. My mom was sane enough to realize she couldn’t send either of her kids to LAX alone with no plan. She couldn’t go alone because she has to travel with my brother. Kind stranger didn’t know what to do or where to send us, I wish I would’ve said where my sister was, God I wish that would’ve came to my mind. Instead I mentioned my dad lived near Vegas, she agreed to send us there. She put us in a nice hotel until our flight and we prepared to come to Vegas. I think I caught walking Pneumonia, I might actually still be fighting that off.

My mother actually said she’d come to Vegas and work until we could get out of here, then she looked and “didn’t find jobs” considering Vegas is… Vegas that sounds incredibly dumb. She’s just picky, which is dumb too. How are you gonna be picky with your jobs when you don’t have a job, home or car? With bills and bills stacked? Are you insane? Maybe. Anyways, she didn’t plan to come to my Dad’s, none of us did. I thought we were going in a hotel with her stupid hotel points. NOPE. We stayed in the Vegas airport then had to call my dad to pick us up. We came up with this story with so many holes in it, they obviously didn’t believe us and questioned us like criminals the whole time we were there. Finally, we just lied and said we had a flight out of here scheduled, but we didn’t. We came to the airport by faith… praying we’d get some money or someone could buy us tickets. Well that didn’t happen immediately, so we told my father we “missed” our flight. Thinking he could pick us up and we could go back to his place. He was so upset, his wife even more upset, she yelled at me a lot. Mainly about how irresponsible my mother is, my mom took the phone and heard her saying we look homeless and saying how awful my mom was and she told her off and hung up. Which was fair, his wife is a nosy annoying ass bitch.

He called back and offered to pick us up, she said no. He texted me and asked me to ask her if she wanted him to pick me and my brother up and give her some money to be in a hotel. I told her and she said no, which I was sad and annoyed about but I understand why. My dad probably was gonna try to keep us, since that’s what he kept asking my mom for when we stayed with him, even though he legally can’t. Which he doesn’t seem to be understanding. Anyways, he’s been sending me text after text about bullshit. I won’t even go check to see every hurtful thing he said (that his wife planted in his head) “Did you guys take my wife’s charger” was the latest blowup. He literally accused us of stealing her phone charger, then he went into a rant of how awful my mother is. And look, she’s awful she does AWFUL things, but every reason he listed was a lie, an exaggeration or an misunderstanding. All because of his she-devil wife. I wish he never would’ve met that stupid bitch, then everything would be fine. Every fight that’s happened between us came from her, I don’t know why she hates us so much. I mean she kinda hates him too, she’s literally emotionally abusive, we all witnessed it. I was scared she’d hit him. She’s one person the world would be better off without, I know I would be.

So I’m sitting here, in so much emotional pain. All I want is to have a good relationship with my parents, especially my dad. He missed 9 years of my life, that’s why stupid petty shit his wife starts shouldn’t mean anything. We should be more important. I don’t know what to do, I planned to move closer to him, but now I don’t want to be anywhere near his crazy bitch. It sucks because I fell in love with the school over here. I don’t want to be mad at him, but he should stand up for us. God, I thought 2020 would be different. I thought it would be better.

Nowhere but up.

If you would’ve asked me about five years ago, how the months before the change of the decade would be going, I probably would’ve said “Better than now lol, I assume I’m graduating from college in 2020 yay!! I’m probably a bit thinner (hopefully a lot), seeing a therapist, closer with my parents, and idk just happy overall…. OH and I’ve definitely seen ariana, twenty one pilots and halsey live by then.”

Honestly I had hoped to achieve all of that or at the very least be happy. I’m not. Instead I’m sobbing because of the pain the rotting tooth I haven’t been able to fix for years is causing me (made worse by the fact I’m sleeping on an airbed close to a drafty window.) I’m wondering if God is actually going to give my family a miracle and have someone pay our storage (unlike the one we lost just a few months ago). I’m wondering how I’m suppose to save any money up to 1. get a laptop 2. get a new phone that works 3. move out, so obviously there’s a lot on my mind.

The decade changes in about three months and I’ve done nothing important, I’ve watched my life be squandered away by my mother and all the mistakes she just keeps not learning from, I can’t force myself into the next steps of my life, something needs to give, right? If I jump the gun (like I did when I tried to just go to any college just to extract myself from the madness… obviously didn’t work), all I end up doing is wasting time and looking dumb.

God it hurts so badly, I had a numbing paste just for my teeth troubles, but I’m pretty sure I left it in one of three sstorages! In another state! Yay for me. This storage thing has been really messing with me, I see flashs from when we found out our other one had been sold (due to my mom being dumb and trusting dumb people to take care of HER business), lost so many things I paid for, not to mention sentimental value stuff: like from my dead great aunt, not to mention business/creative stuff of mine and a ton of gifts, now I hate hearing the word “storage”, I hate that there’s three more in the world, currently unpaid, with my stuff in it. No one shoulld ever have that kind of power over someone else.

I keep looking for something or someone to come and fix the web my mom has managed to get all of us stuck in, but I guess I shouldn’t hold my breath. No one owes us that, if I could just break free, I know I would be okay. I just need to get me and my stuff far away from her. She’s done enough damage.

I guess I’ll go play the Mario Kart app to distract myself from the fact that my tooth is basically screaming at me to get it fixed, God knows if I could I would, I already have a $200 hospital bill because of a nerve injury caused by the circumstances my mother put me in. They didn’t help me at all, but of course they still want my money because capitalism.

I don’t have anything encouraging left to say, I’m exhausted (tooth won’t let me sleep) and drained. I wish I could end it all.

Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have… but I have it

Staying afloat is all I seem to be doing lately, that or drowning. Life hasn’t felt so rose-colored, but then again for me it never truly was in the first place. My childhood was rough, rocky and violent. I got through it by telling myself it would get better, maybe that was a foolish thing to repeat over and over to myself as the years pasted, but I had to keep some faith, some kind of hope, because if it wasn’t ever going to get better, what was the point of trying?

Today I cried in the bathroom as images of my father crying (I was crying back then too) as my mother’s friend drove my mother, brother and me away for a vacation-or at least that’s what my mom told me-that would result in me not seeing my dad for 8 years. I thought I was over it, but I realized I had never talked about it with anyone besides my mom, and that was always cold and brief, with her never taking responsibility and me finding the conversation useless. I haven’t told the whole story to my best friends, not even my brother has heard the full story, just fragments of a day that shattered my life, my emotional being and my spirit.

After the emotional outburst I felt unnerved, like my bandage had gotten old and dirty and fallen off. I thought of all the ways I could write it out, so people could know the pain I’ve experienced and maybe understand a little bit better why I’m so closed off, why it’s taken me months to warm up to people, why I get so possessive over the people in my life that I love (here’s a hint: it’s because I’m scared someone better will take them away and then I’ll truly be alone even when I’m surrounded by people). Anyways, I went to watch a show, the next episode of the funeral of one of the character’s fathers, last time they talked she was mad at him, it made me think of my own dad. Last time we talked I wasn’t mad, I was actually pleading with him not to tell my mother I finally told him about my sexual harasser, he said we’d talk later, but he hasn’t called back and I haven’t called him.

Why? Because I want to call him with good news, I want to tell him I got a job, into a musical, into SOMETHING. I already feel like he’s disappointed in me, but I’m probably just projecting my own disappointment. He always tells me I’m going to do something big in the world and I just want to make him proud, I want us to recover from our 8 year gap. I want to move out, so he can come visit me whenever (okay not whenever but more than he can now), I want to be able to give him money (he’s an immigrant who still hasn’t figured out america yet), I want to buy him a big house and a nice car so he can quit his stupid job, I want us to go on holidays together, like a real family.

Let’s say I make it big doing my passions, I wrote a best-seller, I have a hit album, I’m in a major movie, etc etc etc, the dad I know wouldn’t be happy about the way of my earning unless it was Christian based in some way and honestly it probably won’t be, I can’t see myself starring in Heaven Is For Real 2, but one of my many talents is talking, I know I could talk my dad into tolerating my hollywood lifestyle, maybe not loving it but definitely tolerating it. God, I say this about the same man who wouldn’t let my mother film Barney or Sesame Street (Yes, yes. I was almost a child star, long story), but I’m pretty sure he’s mellowed out a bit.

It hurts to have to lie to him, all because of my mother. I understand not telling him everything, I don’t even tell her EVERYTHING (if I did she’d know I went to my old crush’s house before I liked him and talked with his mom for like 30 minutes and honestly didn’t want to leave), but all this tip toeing around him, all these lies about stupid trivial stuff, one day I’ll tell him everything and he’ll probably be super pissed at her, but he deserves to know the truth.

God I wish I was a little kid again, I wish I was at the car wash with him begging him to let me put in the quarters, or waiting up for him to say goodnight or being in the car with him singing to Heaven by Los Lonely Boys, or hopping in bed with him after a bad storm started up. He made me feel so safe and free, something I haven’t felt since my mom took me away from him.

I feel like I was kidnapped and forced to love my kidnapper. I mean, I loved my mother before, but after the divorce she was a whole other person and got tired very quickly of me asking when we were going back to my dad. Soon I was the reminder of a failed marriage, she hated me, for some reason she didn’t hate my brother, I guess she couldn’t bring herself to hate a baby basically fresh out of the womb, but she hated me and I was only 6 or 7, but that didn’t matter.

I don’t know why all of this trauma is coming up now. Sometimes I think of Emerald Eyes (not in a “I still love you” way but more of a self reflecting way) and think what if I had a good example of love growing up? Or what if I would’ve dealt with this trauma that’s obviously still affecting me? Would I be with him now? Would I have befriended him, ignored all the “will they, won’t they” stuff with his best friend and asked him out? That would’ve been much easier than occasionally staring back when he stared at me, right? Much less messy than going off on him for not responding to my text asking him out for a beverage I barely drink. Much less embarassing than him dodging the question and than me playing ring around the rosie with him until he tells me he’s not ready for dating, right?

He reminded me a lot of my dad, which makes me check another stereotype/statistic box, the divorced parents’ girl that looks for her dad in men because he wasn’t there (couldn’t be because he literally didn’t know where we were). When I was young I promised myself I wouldn’t become a statistic or stereotype. I wouldn’t be the high school dropout, or the black teen mom (like my mom was), or the one people labeled “the slut” (fyi I don’t believe in that anymore, be free, have sex!), I’m pretty sure people labeled me the slut behind my back anyways, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why, high school kids are mean.

Yeah, so this long rambling cry-for-help of a post just solidifies my urgent need for a good therapist. I know as long as there’s still hope and fight in me, I’ll end up happy eventually. I bid you well readers, hug your dads tigher (if he’s there and he isn’t a piece of shit).

Life Update: You gotta be crazy

Boy has life been beating down hard on me, I mean really just hammering down. I feel like I’ve been smacked with Thor’s hammer seventy-two times.

Hi. Hello. Boujour. Aloha.

We are still in the middle of a move (it’s been three years now). My mother is going into that dark place where she snaps at us for every little thing that we do, I knew shed get back there, it’s the only thing she’s been consistent with since she left my dad. It still hurts me when she gets like this, but now it hurts less since I realized she’s probably a narcissist and/or dealing with an undiagnosed mental illness, not that any of that makes it right., but it healed me realize I’m not at fault all of the time. I’m a good person and she can’t take that from me anymore.

As for my brother, as he gets older and falls more into this depression she created, her sharp words and sudden blow-ups hurt him a little more each day, but he likes to pretend it doesn’t bother him as much, I know when i was his age (15), her words and cruel actions almost pushed me over the edge multiple times. Don’t ever underestimate how much feeling like your mother hates you can fuck you up. Anyways, he’s hurting I can tell, and being used as a free dog watcher by her lazy, old friend isn’t helping either.

We’re currently staying with her friend and using his car, so he feels entitled to our time, energy, money, etc. Which majorly sucks, especially since he’s filthy and his place is like Shrek’s swamp come to life, but somehow ten times worse. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to have a bed to sleep in, sleeping in a car is what made my hand go numb (for like two months now!) Lucky me). It’s just not the greatest environment to be… more than a day, and we’ve been here since earlier May. She had to get my evil great aunt in a home and that’s almost done, so if she doesn’t waste all the money she just got on her shopaholic tendencies, we should be on our way out of here soon.

Oh and she trusted the friend we’re staying with to pay our storage (you know, the with my prom dress, graduation cap and gown, musical memories, photos of dad, etc) but he didn’t so it was sold! Currently believing if there’s a higher force out there looking out for me, he’ll somehow, someway give me my stuff back, it wasn’t just meaningless clothes or something, it was irreplaceable things. My favorite dead aunt’s stuff was in there. I also think I’ve suffered enough in my lifetime and I’m past due One Big Break, so I’d like to use it on that.

On a lighter note, I think I’ve finally gotten over that dude. I don’t know what clicked, but I realized I wanted someone who made an effort to be with me. Staring is not an effort, it’s just really weird. I mean imagine if every person that felt attracted to someone else just gave them the creepiest Edward Cullen stare, ugh it gives me chills just thinking about it. Anyways, I’m worth more, I can’t wait around for someone who never even talked to me first, not once. I want the big love story I always read about (or watch). I want the big epic love story, the kind of thing that’ll make me tear up when I recount it to my kids (assuming this big epic love story is their father lol). I’ve settled for so much in my life, but I refuse to settle anymore. I deserve better. So emerald eyes: we never dated, but I dump your ass! Megan Thee Stallion, Kim Petras, Slayyyter, Halsey, Ariana Grande and my best friends may have had a hand in helping me realize my worth, so thanks to them lol.

On that note, I met a guy, well… I met him again. My mom’s friend (whom has sadly fallen in love with my mom) has a son who is very tall and very attractive. I thought the same thing when I saw him last year, but I was too stuck on a certain guy. I can’t remember if we were ever introduced, but I just remember thinking he seemed quirky and I mean that in a good way. He wore suspenders, which reminded me of Steve Urkel, but they kinda worked on him. So recently we went out to see a movie with him and his dad, it was the first time I had seen him in a year, not much had changed besides his hair getting longer, but he was still really cute, even more so now (I’m a sucker for long curly hair). My mom came in the room and told me he was cute as she pulled my low-cut top up a little bit and covered me up even more with my jacket.

When I came out he gave me a small smile and I felt my heart jump, “Uh oh” I thought “Here we go again”. When we got in his car we said our hellos and me, my brother and his dad talked about movies, I kept wishing he’d join in. His dad introduced us (and I’m pretty sure he used my embarrassing childhood nickname, which is fine if he uses but I didn’t want his cute son using it too sheesh) to his son and his son looked back at me and waved, I guess it was easier for him to just look straight at me from the driver’s seat, because he never turned around to look at my brother who was sitting behind him, but maybe I’m over thinking. Every time he’d have to look out the back windows to merge over, my heart leapt, I tried to calm myself down. I JUST got over the guy I’ve been stuck on for almost two years, I probably shouldn’t rush straight into another crush, not without good reason at least. I quickly learned he was funny, sweet and I was right he WAS quirky. He’s not a great driver, like at all, but I still enjoyed the ride.

A few laughs and a huge U-turn later, we were at the movies and I was literally shaking, I tried to take deep breath, it didn’t help much. I was over thinking everything I did. Finally after a held door and a few minutes of waiting on popcorn at concessions, we were in the theater and boy was I glad, I finally felt like I wasn’t embarassing myself, because it was dark and he was two seats away from me. The movie was good, better than I expected, it was one of those “third installment that doesn’t include the original main characters” movies. After the movie we all went to grab a quick bite and yes: my heart did flutter everytime he looked back at me to see what I wanted. I was almost certain he could feel my nervousness, as much as I tried to keep a level, cool voice and a pleasant but totally neutral face, I can’t hide my feelings. It’s like a curse.

Soon It was time for them to drop us off, I wasted water all over my pants, it literally looked like I peed, thankfully they didn’t notice because of another mistake I made, so I quickly corrected myself and squirmed out of his car, then I said “Bye!” in the most awkward, schoolgirl voice ever. I was just glad it was over as I ran up to my mom’s friend’s door and rapidly knocked, they were waiting for us to get inside (such gentlemen) and I couldn’t wait to do just that.

The night proved to be too much and I basically had a breakdown, half laughing, half crying, trying to breathe as I recounted every thing I did wrong to my brother It was kind of pathetic, but crushes do that to a person, which is why I must NOT crush on this guy. Besides the fact that this dude may be my future step-brother…. I need more then stares and politeness, remember? If he asks me out it’ll be a big YES, but until then I have to focus on me. It takes too much time and energy liking someone who doesn’t like you back as much or at all, so since I literally just met him, it’s best not to rush into anything as usual.

While I reaaaaally want a relationship, I know I need to focus on myself, I’ve been improving (the best I can without a therapist) and I feel like a whole new person, but I know there’s more to be done. Like figuring out where I’m going to school in the fall, should I do community college in a… questionable city near my best friend or should I do university in a… racist city in the mountains? Big decisions to make and time seems to be speeding up, I feel like the walls are closing in on me and everyone’s screaming “PICK! PICK! PICK!”

Sometimes it feels hard for me to make decisions-big and small-because I never want to make the wrong decisions. I’ve lost opportunities because of my indesiveness before, I know I can’t let that happen now. Which is why I need to focus on me and not boys, they’re fun and cute, but they can’t fix everything in my life, that’s up to me now.

Hey, it’s been a while.

Let me catch you up to speed.

When I first started this blog, I had some very big goals with what I was going to do with it, then life got hard and I had to put all my time and effort in keeping my head above the water, then during a depression-at first I thought it wasn’t, but it totally was- binge of Ugly Betty, I realized I wanted to get back in touch with all the things I had in common with Betty, fashion, blogging and a EXTENSIVE glo up.

So I started to write when I had time and it was fun, I liked seeing how people reacted to what I wrote even if it was as simple as a like or a comment saying “Nice”, it made me feel seen and heard, something I’ve struggled to achieve since I was a kid. I think deep down inside, we all want to be heard and understood. I think it’s one of the most common problems among people in the world.

Times have been feeling tough again, I feel like I’m getting pulled under, I keep fighting and trying to hold on, but it’s hard. I want to keep a positive outlook on life, while allowing myself to feel emotions that our society labelled “negative”, trying to find that balance has been hard and scary, but I know it’s something I need to do, not only to survive, but to succeed.

I know a lot of my stories resonate with people, which makes me really happy and sad at the same time. This blog is about mental health issues, moving around a lot, secrets, lies, betrayal, falling in love, feeling heartbreak, astrology, spiritually, college and questioning everything and everyone around you, plus so much more (and starting sometime this month: book, movies and tv show reviews because why not). It sucks some of you go through the same awful things I go through, but I want you to find comfort in knowing: you’re not alone. There’s someone who gets it, there’s a lot of people who get it.

I’m here to make you laugh, cry and think. All while getting out some tough emotions myself. Maybe we can heal ourselves together.

This isn’t a goodbye post, quite the opposite actually, it’s more of a “I promise to keep on trying, if not for me.. for you”