Boy has life been beating down hard on me, I mean really just hammering down. I feel like I’ve been smacked with Thor’s hammer seventy-two times.
Hi. Hello. Boujour. Aloha.
We are still in the middle of a move (it’s been three years now). My mother is going into that dark place where she snaps at us for every little thing that we do, I knew shed get back there, it’s the only thing she’s been consistent with since she left my dad. It still hurts me when she gets like this, but now it hurts less since I realized she’s probably a narcissist and/or dealing with an undiagnosed mental illness, not that any of that makes it right., but it healed me realize I’m not at fault all of the time. I’m a good person and she can’t take that from me anymore.
As for my brother, as he gets older and falls more into this depression she created, her sharp words and sudden blow-ups hurt him a little more each day, but he likes to pretend it doesn’t bother him as much, I know when i was his age (15), her words and cruel actions almost pushed me over the edge multiple times. Don’t ever underestimate how much feeling like your mother hates you can fuck you up. Anyways, he’s hurting I can tell, and being used as a free dog watcher by her lazy, old friend isn’t helping either.
We’re currently staying with her friend and using his car, so he feels entitled to our time, energy, money, etc. Which majorly sucks, especially since he’s filthy and his place is like Shrek’s swamp come to life, but somehow ten times worse. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to have a bed to sleep in, sleeping in a car is what made my hand go numb (for like two months now!) Lucky me). It’s just not the greatest environment to be… more than a day, and we’ve been here since earlier May. She had to get my evil great aunt in a home and that’s almost done, so if she doesn’t waste all the money she just got on her shopaholic tendencies, we should be on our way out of here soon.
Oh and she trusted the friend we’re staying with to pay our storage (you know, the with my prom dress, graduation cap and gown, musical memories, photos of dad, etc) but he didn’t so it was sold! Currently believing if there’s a higher force out there looking out for me, he’ll somehow, someway give me my stuff back, it wasn’t just meaningless clothes or something, it was irreplaceable things. My favorite dead aunt’s stuff was in there. I also think I’ve suffered enough in my lifetime and I’m past due One Big Break, so I’d like to use it on that.
On a lighter note, I think I’ve finally gotten over that dude. I don’t know what clicked, but I realized I wanted someone who made an effort to be with me. Staring is not an effort, it’s just really weird. I mean imagine if every person that felt attracted to someone else just gave them the creepiest Edward Cullen stare, ugh it gives me chills just thinking about it. Anyways, I’m worth more, I can’t wait around for someone who never even talked to me first, not once. I want the big love story I always read about (or watch). I want the big epic love story, the kind of thing that’ll make me tear up when I recount it to my kids (assuming this big epic love story is their father lol). I’ve settled for so much in my life, but I refuse to settle anymore. I deserve better. So emerald eyes: we never dated, but I dump your ass! Megan Thee Stallion, Kim Petras, Slayyyter, Halsey, Ariana Grande and my best friends may have had a hand in helping me realize my worth, so thanks to them lol.
On that note, I met a guy, well… I met him again. My mom’s friend (whom has sadly fallen in love with my mom) has a son who is very tall and very attractive. I thought the same thing when I saw him last year, but I was too stuck on a certain guy. I can’t remember if we were ever introduced, but I just remember thinking he seemed quirky and I mean that in a good way. He wore suspenders, which reminded me of Steve Urkel, but they kinda worked on him. So recently we went out to see a movie with him and his dad, it was the first time I had seen him in a year, not much had changed besides his hair getting longer, but he was still really cute, even more so now (I’m a sucker for long curly hair). My mom came in the room and told me he was cute as she pulled my low-cut top up a little bit and covered me up even more with my jacket.
When I came out he gave me a small smile and I felt my heart jump, “Uh oh” I thought “Here we go again”. When we got in his car we said our hellos and me, my brother and his dad talked about movies, I kept wishing he’d join in. His dad introduced us (and I’m pretty sure he used my embarrassing childhood nickname, which is fine if he uses but I didn’t want his cute son using it too sheesh) to his son and his son looked back at me and waved, I guess it was easier for him to just look straight at me from the driver’s seat, because he never turned around to look at my brother who was sitting behind him, but maybe I’m over thinking. Every time he’d have to look out the back windows to merge over, my heart leapt, I tried to calm myself down. I JUST got over the guy I’ve been stuck on for almost two years, I probably shouldn’t rush straight into another crush, not without good reason at least. I quickly learned he was funny, sweet and I was right he WAS quirky. He’s not a great driver, like at all, but I still enjoyed the ride.
A few laughs and a huge U-turn later, we were at the movies and I was literally shaking, I tried to take deep breath, it didn’t help much. I was over thinking everything I did. Finally after a held door and a few minutes of waiting on popcorn at concessions, we were in the theater and boy was I glad, I finally felt like I wasn’t embarassing myself, because it was dark and he was two seats away from me. The movie was good, better than I expected, it was one of those “third installment that doesn’t include the original main characters” movies. After the movie we all went to grab a quick bite and yes: my heart did flutter everytime he looked back at me to see what I wanted. I was almost certain he could feel my nervousness, as much as I tried to keep a level, cool voice and a pleasant but totally neutral face, I can’t hide my feelings. It’s like a curse.
Soon It was time for them to drop us off, I wasted water all over my pants, it literally looked like I peed, thankfully they didn’t notice because of another mistake I made, so I quickly corrected myself and squirmed out of his car, then I said “Bye!” in the most awkward, schoolgirl voice ever. I was just glad it was over as I ran up to my mom’s friend’s door and rapidly knocked, they were waiting for us to get inside (such gentlemen) and I couldn’t wait to do just that.
The night proved to be too much and I basically had a breakdown, half laughing, half crying, trying to breathe as I recounted every thing I did wrong to my brother It was kind of pathetic, but crushes do that to a person, which is why I must NOT crush on this guy. Besides the fact that this dude may be my future step-brother…. I need more then stares and politeness, remember? If he asks me out it’ll be a big YES, but until then I have to focus on me. It takes too much time and energy liking someone who doesn’t like you back as much or at all, so since I literally just met him, it’s best not to rush into anything as usual.
While I reaaaaally want a relationship, I know I need to focus on myself, I’ve been improving (the best I can without a therapist) and I feel like a whole new person, but I know there’s more to be done. Like figuring out where I’m going to school in the fall, should I do community college in a… questionable city near my best friend or should I do university in a… racist city in the mountains? Big decisions to make and time seems to be speeding up, I feel like the walls are closing in on me and everyone’s screaming “PICK! PICK! PICK!”
Sometimes it feels hard for me to make decisions-big and small-because I never want to make the wrong decisions. I’ve lost opportunities because of my indesiveness before, I know I can’t let that happen now. Which is why I need to focus on me and not boys, they’re fun and cute, but they can’t fix everything in my life, that’s up to me now.